Sunday, May 11, 2008


I'm not proud of it, but it's true. I went to Wal-Mart yesterday.

In fact, yesterday's trip was actually my second in a month - but wait, there was a reason! I had to go Saturday to return a dog crate I bought for Bailey. And, see, I had to buy the crate at Wal-Mart in the first place, because while crates cost $150 everywhere else, Wal-Mart can somehow sell them for $60.

(In my defense, I generally refuse to shop at Wal-Mart, because I hate everything the store stands for, and also because it gives me the creeps. But after coming up empty on both Craigslist and Freecycle, I had to admit that $90 was simply too much for me to pay on principle right now.)

(Oh, and if anyone's thinking I'm a terrible mommy for getting a puppy crate in the first place, it was so I could keep Bailey to work with me. That was before my coworker daintily exclaimed that she "will not work in an office with a dog!" I digress.)

Anyway, I didn't have the receipt, so I had to accept a Wal-Mart gift card instead. As I meandered the insanely crowded store searching for something to buy - besides the doughnuts that were seemingly around every turn - I learned a few things that I wanted to share with you all.

1) There is a type of fish at Wal-Mart that costs 10 cents. Not food-fish, but pet-fish. A dime!

2) The good folks at Wal-Mart know it's a big store. They also understand that, after a lifetime of grocery shopping here, you're most likely obese and malnourished. That's why they created Mart Kart. It's got an extra large seat, goes about 5 mph and pisses off everyone in its path.

3) You can pick up your Mart Kart right outside McDonalds. That's right - they sell Big Macs here, too. It's like heaven!

4) Two giant tubs of cookies, a bag of coin wrappers, a bag of M&Ms and a candy bar cost a grand total of $7 at Wal-Mart. I know because this, apparently, was lunch for the man in line in front of me.

5) Nicole Kidman is desperate to free her kids from TomKat's creepy Scientology grasp. (Okay, that one's actually a fact from The Star, which was the only magazine I could find in the checkout lane. When in Rome.)

I thought it would be a breeze, but spending $60 in Wal-Mart proved surprisingly difficult. After circling the place twice, I'd only come up with toothpaste, sunblock, a razor and a York Peppermint Patty. Looks like there'll be another trip to paradise in my future.

(ps, One more thing - I totally used that crate before I returned it. Suck it, Wal-Mart!)


Tim said...

I hate Wal-Mart too. I go sometimes when I'm back in Oregon. My wal-mart is much better than yours -- it's exactly the same, but mine has kids I went to high school with. They all have meth problems -- missing teeth, and off gassing the chemicals. It is one of the most fantastic ways you can spend your afternoon.

bonjondoo said...

I have fond memories of being drunk off my bottom at WalMart, rearranging things until I could drive back on base with my drunk friends after a night at the clubs.
Love us? cleavage, short skirts, heels.
Hate us? rearranging every damn aisle.
Also hearing you mention Walmart makes me think of FamMart.

John said...

Your commentary sounds like something a self-absorbed adolescent would post. What makes you so superior to the people working at WalMart? I don't see a dime's worth of difference - I have more empathy for them than I do for you. I hear the "I hate WalMart" tune all the time from people that need to make sure that everyone understands that they are indeed, "superior". Sad, but true.

Get Inside My Head said...

Who are you to think you are better than Wal-Mart?
Wal-Mart is probably the best place I have ever been to.
I'm not going to waste money on expensive things at top-quality stores when I can get the exact same thing for much less at Wal-Mart. Obviously I am not rich, but I am not poor either.
I hope one day you'll become insanely poor, then you will realize Wal-Mart is the only way to go for you.

You can suck it,
kay thanks.

James said...

It is amazing that people can hate a company who sells everyday products to everyday people for less than the competitors. If you assume (wrongly) that all Wal Mart shoppers are marginal income types, why do you want or expect them to spend their limited funds at more expensive stores? If social insecurity keeps you out of Wal Marts, put a bag over your head and take advantage of the good prices and amazing selection.